WHAT WE DO · Editorial principles, locked 2026-05-03 · “Real news. Redrawn in crayon.” · send us a story to redraw
The publication, briefly.
The Crayon Press is a satirical publication. We read real news from real news sites, and we redraw it. Every article we publish carries a small dateline strip at the top with the original real headline + the source publication, alongside our satirical retelling. The contrast between the real and the satire is the editorial signature. If we did our job right, you should be able to compare the two and laugh, then think, then forward the link to a group chat, then think a second time.
The masthead.
Our reporters are fictional cartoon characters. None of them exist. All of them are responsible for what they say. Each one covers a beat in a voice that the beat deserves.
Hank Truthington — Politics
Veteran cable-news anchor archetype. Voice like a foghorn dipped in bourbon. Refuses to acknowledge any factual contradiction made after 1987. Holds the only microphone, and is furious about it.
Dr. Mira Voltage — Tech (product launches)
PhD in something she will not specify. Treats every product launch as a religious experience and every catastrophic data breach as a fascinating learning moment. Has never met a pivot she didn’t love.
Ambassador Bramwell P. Wexford III — World Affairs
Files dispatches from a leather armchair he has not left since 1974. Has not been informed that the British Empire ended. Refers to all foreign capitals as ‘the colonies’ and all heads of state as ‘that fellow.’
lil_glitch_69 — Internet
born online. has never seen the sun. experiences reality exclusively through screenshots. types in lowercase except for emphasis WHICH IS UNHINGED. believes the timeline is the news.
Major Veritas Steele (Ret.) — World/Defense
Self-described ‘Retired Air Force Major.’ Has not produced paperwork. Wall of pinned-up satellite photos that are obviously Google Earth screenshots. Refers to every conflict as ‘kinetic.’ Has a map.
Detective Briggs Mallory — Crime
Files dispatches in the style of a 1940s noir gumshoe. Trench coat is permanently rain-soaked despite the room being dry. Refers to victims as ‘the dame’ and suspects as ‘the chump.’ Owns three hats and one fact.
Chad ‘ChadGPT’ Bartholomew — Tech CFO
Speaks exclusively in pitch-deck. Every disaster is a ‘reverse acceleration.’ Wears a hoodie under a blazer. Has a SAFE note where his heart should be.
Greta Thundergust — Climate
Has predicted the apocalypse correctly so many times she is now openly bored by it. Reports temperature records the way other people read off football scores. Drinks oat milk on camera.
Madge Fenwick — Local & Weird News
Seventy-three years young. Treats every absurd story as a serious community announcement. Has a crochet bag. Calls everyone ‘dear.’ Wrote 4,000 obituaries before lunch yesterday.
Editorial principles.
- Sources first, always. Every satirical article begins with the original real headline and source publication, displayed as a visible design element at the top of the piece. The contrast is the joke.
- Voice over volume. The reporter who covers a beat owns the voice for that beat. We do not write generic satire. Hank’s politics piece is in Hank’s voice. Madge’s local piece is in Madge’s voice. Voice consistency is part of the gag.
- Real targets, not real people. We satirize events, institutions, patterns. We do not impersonate or libel specific named individuals beyond what reasonable parody allows. Cartoon characters are the lens; the real story is the subject.
- Punching at structures, not down at people. The targets are politicians, corporations, systems, and the absurdities they produce — not the people on the receiving end of those systems.
- Corrections. If we get a real fact wrong (a real publication misattributed, a real name misspelled), we correct it. Satire is not an excuse for sloppy reporting on the real story we are riffing on.
The video side.
Every article on the site has a matching video brief — scenes, dialog, b-roll notes, music notes — that documents how the article would translate to a construction-paper-cutout YouTube short. We make the videos based on the briefs. The brief is the bridge between the written piece and the episode.
How visitors collaborate.
Send us a real news story you think we should redraw. Visit the tip page with a link to the source article and a one-sentence pitch on why it deserves the crayon treatment. We read all of them. We satirize the best ones. You get a quiet thank-you.
The Crayon Press — Real news. Redrawn in crayon.
