ORIGINAL HEADLINE · Business Insider · 2026-03-16 — “Read The Memo: Senate Authorizes ChatGPT, Gemini, Copilot For Official Use” · read source
WASHINGTON — In a rare display of bipartisan unity that this reporter personally negotiated through sheer force of personality, the United States Senate has reached a historic agreement: generative artificial intelligence almost certainly knows how to vote, and almost certainly should not be allowed to.
“The American people deserve clarity,” said one senator who asked not to be named because he refused to identify himself. “And what is clearer than seven hours of us refusing to clarify anything?”
The session, which I personally attended in spirit from a green room in Crystal City, included testimony from a panel of experts who cannot be named because they were ChatGPT in a wig. Their conclusion: voting is a sacred right earned by being born and confirmed by paying for cable.
“This is the moment the Republic comes back,” I told them. They agreed. They had to. I was holding the only microphone.
The bill, formally titled The Stop The Robots From Voting Like My Idiot Brother Act of 2026, will now go to committee, where it will die. Its death will then be reported live by THIS network, and only this network, every hour on the hour, until the next thing happens.
That is the news. That has always been the news. There is no other news.