BreakingSenate Reaches Bipartisan Agreement That AI 'Probably Knows How To Vote But Definitely Shouldn't' DebunkedOpenAI's Latest Pivot Is The Most Exciting Pivot Yet, Says Company With No Remaining Founders ReportedContinental Europe Once Again Bested By Argentine Beef, Reports Our Man In The Drawing Room Allegedlytiktok is back babes the meltdown was so brat BreakingSenate Reaches Bipartisan Agreement That AI 'Probably Knows How To Vote But Definitely Shouldn't' DebunkedOpenAI's Latest Pivot Is The Most Exciting Pivot Yet, Says Company With No Remaining Founders ReportedContinental Europe Once Again Bested By Argentine Beef, Reports Our Man In The Drawing Room Allegedlytiktok is back babes the meltdown was so brat
May 5, 2026

Chad 'ChadGPT' Bartholomew

Tech CFO correspondent. Is between twenty-six and forty-seven years old and will not specify. Speaks exclusively in pitch-deck. Every disaster is a 'reverse acceleration.' Wears a hoodie under a blazer. Has a SAFE note where his heart should be. (FICTIONAL CHARACTER — The Crayon Press is a satire publication.)

You May Have Missed

A noir paper-cutout reenactment: a cardboard Boeing 767 in United livery descends diagonally over a paper New Jersey Turnpike, its starboard wing-tip clipping a single paper light pole that has bent at the impact point. A small paper EVIDENCE—KEEP tag is tied to the pole. A paper sedan sits to the right with its driver staring up jaw-dropped. Hard horizontal noir blinds-shadows in marker stripe across the entire scene — construction-paper cutout cartoon

The Dame Was A 767. She Came In From Venice. She Hit A Pole.

Detective Briggs Mallory May 4, 2026 0
Major Veritas Steele Ret. at a cardboard military briefing room podium, holding a paper pointer stick at a giant DHS THEATER OF OPERATIONS map. The map shows the Capitol building flying a tiny white flag of surrender, an OBJECTIVE: TACTICAL DISENGAGEMENT banner across the House chamber, two cardboard trucks labeled ICE and CBP driving toward a paper RECONCILIATION BYPASS road sign, a DAY 76 counter pinned to the corner, and a small cross marker over Minneapolis acknowledging the real deaths the article references — construction-paper cutout cartoon

House Republicans Execute Tactical Disengagement After Seventy-Six-Day Kinetic Stalemate, Will Now Refuel ICE And CBP Via Separate Logistics Channel

Major Veritas Steele (Ret.) May 4, 2026 0
A cardboard beach diorama: three sunburnt FBI agents in trench coats and dark sunglasses surround seashells arranged on the sand to spell 86 47. One agent holds a magnifying glass over the 8, another takes notes, a third holds an evidence bag containing a single conch. A small paper crab walks past with a side-eye glance. In the upper-right corner, a paper Instagram-photo frame shows the same seashell arrangement recursively — construction-paper cutout cartoon

Acting AG Says The Comey Indictment Is Definitely Not Just About The Seashells, It Is Also About Whatever Other Things They Will Tell Us About Eventually, At The Trial, Probably

lil_glitch_69 May 3, 2026 0
Hank Truthington at his anchor desk mid-shout, finger jabbing the camera, behind him a paper U.S. map shows a red dotted line from Los Angeles to Detroit with a duplicated paper-cutout figure standing in two places at once. A 6,000 TWEETS folder sits on the desk being shredded. A BREAKING chyron strip runs across the front of the desk — construction-paper cutout cartoon

Michigan Senate Candidate Defends Voting In California Years After Moving, Explains That Moving Takes Two Years, Multiple Properties, And The Deletion Of Six Thousand Tweets

Hank Truthington May 3, 2026 0