ORIGINAL HEADLINE · European Commission · 2026-04-28 — “Europe’s Warming Accelerates Beyond Global Trend, New Copernicus Data Shows” · read source
NEWSROOM, ANYWHERE — The new Copernicus data came out this morning. Europe is warming faster than the rest of the planet. I sipped my oat milk. The thermometer read what it always reads. I sighed. We move on.
I have been told by Editorial that I should put more passion into these stories. I have been told this since 2009. I have been correctly predicting the things I am bored of for sixteen years. At some point you run out of new adjectives and you just start reading off the temperatures. So.
Today’s temperatures: Guanajuato, Mexico, at 2,000 metres elevation, hit 37 degrees Celsius. Natitingou, Benin, recorded an overnight LOW of 28.6 — the highest April low ever recorded for that station. The North Atlantic recorded a marine heatwave large enough to be visible from a passing satellite eating a sandwich.
I sipped the oat milk. The fern on my desk is dying. It has been dying for three years. I have been told it is a metaphor. I have been told this by my editor, who is also dying.
Europe will, per the new model runs, warm an additional 1.6 to 2.4 degrees by mid-century, ahead of the global average. This is bad. This is the kind of bad that requires me to add a sentence saying it is bad, because Editorial has noticed I am not adding sentences saying it is bad.
It is bad.
Tomorrow I will be reporting the same story, with slightly higher numbers. I will see you then.
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